Harry Platter
by kamikaze-dg
Summary: This was a story I did for an English assignment. my teacher apparantly loved it.
1. The Philosopher's Phone

Harry Platter

_and the Philosopher's Phone_

I

At first glance, Harry seemed like an ordinary boy, which he pretty much was. I suppose the only thing worth mentioning was the zig-zag shaped scar on his forehead, but nobody really mentioned it. He lived in a normal house in Britain, with his germaphobic relatives the Fursleys: his Uncle Verman, his Aunt Petoobia, and his cousin Dubbley. Fears of bacteria and viruses aside, Harry lived a normal life. Then one day, something very un-normal happened to Harry.

It was the summer holidays, and Harry's eleventh birthday was about a week ago. As he got out of bed, aunt Petoobia yelled, 'Harry, don't forget to wash your hands!' As Harry washed his hands, he heard the cries of both his aunt and uncle. An owl had flown into the room through the window. The owl flew towards Harry, and deposited a letter in front of Harry and flew away out the window. Harry opened the letter as Petoobia sprayed the room with disinfectant. This is what is said:

_Dear Harry Platter,_

_You probably don't know, but you're a wizard. You are to attend Hogfarts school._

_-Professor Dunderbore_

_Headmaster_

'You're a _what?_' said uncle Verman.

'A wizard.' said Harry. There wasn't very much information in that letter, Harry thought. As he looked in the envelope, he found the supply list and stuff he needed.

II

Standing at platform 9.75, Harry saw a red electric engine with the words "Hogfarts Express" in a slightly darker shade of red, so that it was very difficult to make it out. Just then, a blonde boy about Harry's age came up to him.

'I don't like you.' he said.

'Okay, fine.' replied Harry.

HARRY PLATTER

The boy sneered and walked away. Harry found a compartment containing a boy and a girl also his age.

'Oh, hello,' said the girl.

'Hi, who are you?' asked Harry.

'My name is Don, and this is Hermyown'

'Hello, my name is Harry Platter'

'Nice to meet you Harry.'

There was an awkward silence as the three of them sat in the carriage while the train chuffed along the track.

'Sooo… read any good books lately?'

'Er, not really…'

'Nope.'

'Seen any good movies?'

'Sorta'

'What's a movie?'

However, by the time the train had reached Hogfarts, the trio were engaging in a lively conversation about crumpets; the British equivalent to a donut, only without the hole, and usually served with tea.

Once inside, all the first-years were whacked on the head by the sorting bat. Every one sat at a table, and everything went silent.

An old man with a white beard had stood up and raised his hand for silence. He had a very long white beard, and was slightly cross eyed.

'Before we all eat, I have an announcement. Pbbbbbt. That is all.' And he sat back down. It was the strangest announcement Harry had ever heard. 'Who was that?' he asked Don and Hermyown.

'That's Dunderbore!' exclaimed Don.

'Don't you think he was being a little weird?' asked Hermyown worriedly.

'Aw, relax, let's eat!'

III

The days turned into months, and Harry had classes and homework and tests, but I won't go into detail on all that, because it would be tedious. We now skip forward eight months to where Harry is summoned to Dunderbore's office.

Harry was summoned to Dunderbore's office. When he came to the door leading to Dunderbore's office, he found a flight of stairs. It was very long, so Harry climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed and climbed until finally he reached Dunderbore's office, panting.

'Hello Harry, I see that you've taken the stairs. You could've taken the elevator.'

Harry groaned.

'Now, Harry, I need you to go to the seventh floor, in the third door on your left, and just thwart whatever evil dark wizards you find there.'

'You want me to do what?'

'Run along now, and try not to die, won't you?'

Harry decided to do what Dunderbore said. Besides, what are the odds that an evil dark wizard would be in there?

Harry opened the door. There, in the middle of the room was a red telephone. Standing beside it was Harry's defence teacher, professor Queeril, looking at Harry very sursprisedly, if that is even a word.

HARRY PLATTER

'Harry Platter, what a surprise,' he said. 'What the heck are you doing here?'

'Harry Platter,' said a very different voice. 'how nice to finally meet you at last!'

All of a sudden, Professor Queeril took off his baseball cap, and there, staring at him was a hideous face.

'Well, well, look who we have here.' it said.

'Who- who are you?' stammered Harry.

'I am lord MOULDYVORT!' The face shouted. Harry snickered. 'What?' snapped Mouldyvort.

'Nothing, nothing. Mouldyvort,' Harry said.

'Yes, well, ahem. Watch, as I rise to full power! I will be the greatest wizard alive! When I dial this number and say my name, I will become INVINCIBLE! Ha!'

And with that, Mouldyvort picked up the receiver and dialed. Harry made a leap towards the phone

'Mould-'

Harry reached for the phone...

'-dy-'

his fingers were centimetres from the phone...

'-vort!'

But Harry had already pressed the receiver down.

'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!' screamed Mouldyvort "You may have thwarted me this time, but I assure you, I will return, and I will have my revenge upon you!!'

Harry trooped towards Dunderbore's office, scowling. He took the elevator this time.

IV

'Ah, Harry. There you are. How did it go?'

'Oh, it was okay, besides the fact that I ALMOST GOT KILLED!'

'Good, good.' said Dunderbore, apparently unconcerned. 'Go and have fun.'

Harry went to his dormitory feeling cross. What was with Dunderbore anyways? Maybe Hermyown was right to be worried. Oh well, It was time for a good night's sleep anyways...

Harry was on his broom flying, trying to catch a small golden ball with wings as his team mates tried to get a red-brown ball through three metal hoops. Harry woke up, and told himself to never speak this dream to anyone, or he could be sued.

V

Harry wondered about that red phone in that room. Perhaps it wasn't safe there anymore. What could he do about it. He decided to go to Dunderbore.

'Professor?' Harry said.

'Oh, it's you.' said Dunderbore cheerfully. 'I'm afraid there aren't any evil dark wizards to be thwarted right now, Parry.'

'My name is Harry' said Harry.

'Of course, Barry' said Dunderbore.

'I'm here about the red phone in that room, sir' said Harry.

The lights went out and Dunderbore held a flashlight under his face. 'are you talking about the philosopher's phone?'

'er.. I guess...'

'Well. You see, Mary-'

'_Harry_'

'Of course, Larry. Now, there was a certain sorcerer who said to himself "I think I will make a HARRY PLATTER

phone that will make whoever uses it invincible." And that is the origin of the Philosopher's phone. The Sorcerer's stone in America.'

'I see. Well, I'm worried that it might not be safe anymore.

'I understand your concern, Carey. I have already thought of that. I have increased security by

moving it to the next room. Nobody will find it now.'

Harry still wanted to know about this phone.

'Well, I suggest you ask the sorcerer who made the phone.' suggested Dunderbore

'How do I find him?' asked Harry

'With !' said Dunderbore.

So Harry surfed the world wide web for information on the philosopher's phone and its creator. Finally, Harry found something. Apparently the sorcerer had been dead for five hundred years.

'why do you need to know about this "Philosopher's Phone?"' asked Hermyown.

'Just because.' said Harry irritably.

Several times Harry had the urge to dial the number and say his name to become invincible. He knew where it was, it would be so easy. No, he thought, that wouldn't be right. Then a thought struck him just like a Frisbee. Why was the phone in there in the first place?

VI

'Professor Dunderbore, I need to ask you something.' said Harry

'Of course Gary, ask away.' replied Dunderbore.

'well, why is the phone at Hogfarts anyways?'

'Oh... ummm... good question.' said Dunderbore.

'You don't even know, do you?'

'Precisely.'

Harry left the office. He told Don and Hermyown what happened. 'He doesn't even know why the phone is there?' said Hermyown. 'I know he has a few screws loose, but this is crazy!'

VII

The next day, Harry and his friends had more classes, more homework, and tests galore. Harry forgot all about the Philosopher's phone. The end of the year was approaching, and there were exams and things going on.

'I hope I pass!'

'I might have gotten a question wrong.'

'I like cake.'

But one day, Harry remembered the phone. He decided to go check that it was still there. He walked into the room, and he saw the phone there. But there was something else. A stick of dynamite was attached to the phone!!!

Harry got out just as the bomb exploded.

KA-BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

HARRY PLATTER

Luckily, nobody was hurt.

'What happened to you?' asked Don.

Harry told them what happened. Don looked surprised. 'The phone blew up?' he said.

'Well, I guess that's the end of the philosopher's phone then.' said Hermyown.

Harry laughed.

Epilogue

Harry went back to the Fursleys on the Hogfarts Express, where he immediately had to go take a shower, get checked for lice, and had all his cloths laundered. He later continued his adventures in Harry_ Platter and the Chamber Choir of Secrets_, a book that I don't think I will ever write.


	2. The Chamber Choir of Secrets

Harry Platter and the Chamber Choir of Secrets

Well, In between the ending of the last story and now, two months have passed for our hero Harry Platter. But do not think that nothing much happened in those two months. For something happened in those two months which you would not expect in two months to happen in two months, two months that surpasses all two months, two months that will decide the fate of all humanity, forever.

Naw, just kidding, nothing really happened.

I

'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!'

A terrible cry rent the air in the pleasant suburb somewhere in Britain. It was Harry. He had just received the terrible news that he was...

'Not going back to that Hogfarts place.'

Harry's Uncle Verman stood with his arms crossed, frowning.

'Why not?' asked Harry

Uncle Verman replied, 'I could not find any documents that says that this "Hogfarts" conforms to any health regulations'

'It's for your own good, Harry." added Harry's Aunt Petoobia.

If you haven't read the first story, You will not know that Harry's Aunt and Uncle were highly germaphobic. So read the first story so that you'll know.

'Uncle Verman, its a magical castle in the middle of nowhere. Do you really think ordinary people will know about it?'

'Well, no, but-'

Verman was interrupted by an envelope that seemed to come out of nowhere.

'It's my supply list.' said Harry, opening it. 'I guess that means some off-screen shopping at a place that's never adequately explained.'

II

After Harry had finished shopping at that place, he went to King's Intersection station and passed through the barrier that led to platform 9.75. There, a magical red train stood, or sat, or... um, railed... whatever it is that trains do while not moving. On the red train were letters in a slightly darker shade of red, so the whole thing was difficult to read, or to even look at, for that matter.

As Harry was preparing to board the train, a boy with blond hair came up to him.

'I don't like you.' he said.

'Um, didn't you tell me this last year?' asked Harry, puzzled.

'Yeah, I'm just making sure you haven't forgotten'

'Who are you anyways?'

The boy looked at him with an evil stare and said, 'My name is Ducko Tinfoil.'

'What?'

But Ducko had already walked away.

Harry spotted his friends, Don and Hermyown, and ran over to them. They boarded the train and exchanged stories of their summer.

III

They finally got off the train and entered the school, where they sat at a table, and awaited the speech of their headmaster, the slightly cross eyed Professor Dunderbore. He raised his hands for silence, and spoke.

'Ahem. I would just like to say a few things. Zip-Zap-Zoobidy-Bop.'

'Slightly longer than last year's, isn't it?' said Don, as everyone sat down for the feast.

'He's off his rocker!' said Hermyown worriedly.

Soon, the feast was over, and everybody trudged to their dormitories to unpack. Harry nearly collided with a girl. 'S-Sorry,' she apologized softly, blushing.

'What was that all about?' asked Harry.

'That's just my sister, Minnie.' replied Don. 'I reckon she likes you, she's always talking about you.'

'Wha-'

'Oh, you're a sort of celebrity, how you defeated Lord Mouldyvort last year. He was the most evil dark wizard in the world. It was news all over the world. Minnie's got pictures of you posted all over her wall.'

'I didn't realize I had a fan.' said Harry.

'You probably have a ton of them. They all must be writing fanfictions right now.'

'Oh god, not fanfictions!'

'Yeah. Anyways, I'm going to bed. It's late.'

'Hey, wait a minute, the time hasn't been established yet!'

'Well, it's about eleven, I'm guessing. We've got that Transsubstifiguretutionswitcherooing class tomorrow.'

'Aw, man, not Transsubstifiguretutionswitcherooing!'

IV

The next day, Harry walked to his Transsubstifiguretutionswitcherooing class taught by Professor McGoogley.

'Today class, we shall be learning how to turn nails into screws. Now, first, you wave your wand like so, and say: "_Screuioso."'_

Everyone turned to the nails on their table and muttered the incantation. Hermyown's turned into a screw, but Harry's turned into a thumbtack, and Don's exploded in a mini fireball, scorching his desk.

'hee hee,' chuckled Professor McGoogley, 'you're the first person I ever saw who- ha! _Screwed- _up this badly! Ha ha aha ha! Class dismissed! HAAAAAA ha ha ha ha, ahhhhh, ha ha, ohhh, my, that was a good one.'

'That sure was a short lesson.' said Harry.

'Yeah, but it's already been an hour.' said Hermyown.

'That's cause it's a magical castle.' said Don.

Then, they saw it. Across the wall, in dripping red letters, was

_THE CHAMBER CHOIR OF SECRETS HAS SUNG._

_ENEMIES OF THE HAIR, BEWARE._

'I really hope that that's just red paint.' said Don.

'We have to tell somebody!' cried Hermyown.

'I'll go tell Dunderbore!' said Harry.

As fast as he could, Harry ran to the headmaster's office.

'Horton!' exclaimed Dunderbore, as Harry burst through his door. 'What brings you here?'

'Writing...*pant* ...on the wall...*wheeze*...third floor corridor...*cough*...' huffed Harry, not even bothering pointing out that that wasn't his real name.

'Uh-oh.' said Dunderbore

V

'Oh my,'

All the teachers were gathered around the wall where the writing was.

'This is very serious.' said Professor McGoogley.

'I agree,' agreed Professor Snafu.

'We should inform the Minister of Magical Stuff.' suggested Professor Witflick

'Now now, we shall take all the necessary precautions. But first we must bring all students to their respective common rooms, immediately.'

'This is getting kind of serious, we need some sort of comic relief soon.' said Harry.

VI

As Harry was preparing to go to sleep, he suddenly heard it. Coming from what seemed to be inside the walls;

'_I smell blood_'

Now, knowing what had happened earlier, and the fact that hearing voices makes you practically insane, you will forgive Harry if he started running around screaming at the top of his lungs, which he did.

'AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!'

Luckily, he was whacked by an annoyed Don, who couldn't stand the noise.

'I can't stand that noise!'

'I heard voices!'

'shaddap!'

'But–'

'ZZZZZZZZZ'

Harry shrugged and supposed it was only a hallucination.

DIGRESSION

We are going to skip a little bit of boring stuff here. I want to get this over with already. We are going to start where Harry, Don and Hermyown are about to enter the Auditorium of secrets. Oh, wait Hermyown's been paralyzed. Sorry. We are going to start where Harry, and Don are about to enter the Auditorium of Secrets.

VI

'You go first.'

'You're the main character!'

'Yeah, but you're expendable.'

'What!? No I'm not! In the fifth book I–'

'Shh. Don't spoil it.'

'Can I at least say that it has something to do with a duck, several lampshades, and a plate of spaghetti?'

'Alright! Enough, we'll go in at the same time, okay? On the count of three, ready?'

Harry and Don got themselves ready to jump.

'One...'

And Harry pushed Don into the pipe that led to the Auditorium of Secrets. Harry followed shortly after. He zoomed down as if on a waterslide without the water, and certainly without the fun. He landed with a FWOOMPH beside Don.

'What the bloo'y 'ell was that?' yelled Don.

'Shush, listen!'

For somewhere in the dark cavern, voices were singing.

VII

'Do you like it?'

Harry stood aghast. There, in front of a group of people in white robes, stood a person whom Harry had not ever seen before.

'What do you mean, you've never seen me before? ' said the person, 'I am Lord Mouldyvort. And now I am going to kill you.'

Just then, almost as if the author was too impatient to continue writing this story, Harry stabbed the diary with a conveniently nearby Basilisk fang and Mouldyvort died and they all lived happily ever after, amen.

**Hey, avid readers, I'm looking for a title for my third story. You can post your idea in the review section, provided you review or something. The title must be similar to the title of the corresponding J. K. Rowling novels. Use your imagination. Then, I will choose the title I think is the best. Then, I will write a story around that title. Ends August 31. Oh, and Mouldyvort's not really dead :)_|_)  
**


	3. The Piemaker of Flazkhaman

Harry Platter 3: Harry Platter and the Prisoner Piemaker of Azkaban Alcatraz Flazkhaman

** Autours Nose: In my opinion, the last two Harry Platter fics were utter crap. I resolve to take my time, and never give up when writing. 'cept I'm not really writing. I just type. Congradulations [sic] to theflowofmusic for me using his/her/its "piemaker" idea.**

** Also, I recommend reading this with a medium sized font, set to "Verdana", ¾ wide, smaller line spacing, and on a dark background. Due to being reduced into a shapless ball of flesh in the last book chapter, Mouldyvort will not be making an apperance.**

I: To Hogfarts

It was raining in Little Fangling, and amidst the now soaked London suburb, there existed a house. This house was, but not quite, similar to the houses next door. And those houses were the same, but not quite, similar to the houses next to them. And so on, all through the neighborhood. In all, it was the exact same as a flock of penguins. Sure, they all might be unique, but there's absolutley no way to tell them apart exept by smell. Or something. Anyways, I'm getting off topic here. So, in one of these houses that look almost exactly the same as the other ones around it, there was a room, and in that room was a closet, a dresser, a bed, but most of all, a boy. This boi boy was about thirteen years of age. He was, by all apperances, the same as most other boys, discernable only by smell. He had glasses, a generic shirt with nothing on it, jeans, partly untidy hair, and a name, which you all should recognize as being Harry Platter. But the thing that set him apart from almost every boy his age, besides scent, was that he was magical.

That is to say, he could perform magic. He was a wizard. He knew how to cast spells, brew potions, transmogriswitchafigure things. But he could only do a limited amount of those things, because he was a wizard in training, enrolled at the Hogfarts School of Whizzes and Shabang. As a matter of fact, he was leaving for the train to get there in several hours.

'Harry boi, don't forget to brush your teeth!' called a voice from down the stairs. It was his uncle Vermon.

Vermon was married to Harry's aunt Petoobia. And they both had a son named Dubley. The whole family was germaphobic. Harry didn't give an owls tail feather about that, but he complied with their strict cleanliness criteria, lest he be subject to the Steel Wool Scrub. So harry brushed his teeth, washed his face, took a bath, scrubbed behind the ears, washed his hair with anti dandruff and lice shampoo, had a blood test, a radioactivity test, and clipped his tonails.

At last, after much exposition, Harry was off to Queen's Corner Station. He barreled through the barrier between platforms nine and ten to get to platform nine point seven five. There, he saw his good friends, Don and Hermyown. When at last they were all on the train and set off, they began to talk about their holidays.

'Um...'

'I uh, went to the beach?'

'Oh.. the beach... yeah, I went there once.'

'I didn't go anywhere at all. The closest I got to a beach was falling into the Thames.'

Uh, let's just skip to he part where they all get off the train and are heading to the feast. The teachers were all sitting there. In the middle was the headmaster, Dunderbore. To his left sat Professor Snafu, the potions master. To his right was Professor McGoogley, the Transmogriswitchafiguration teacher.

Everybody dug in, and as the feast wound down, Dunderbore stood up and raised his hands for silence.

'Everybody, welcome.' and then sat down again. Hermyown looked positively scared.

'He's probably's got some mental sickness!'

II: Deflectors

The next day, Hermyown walked over to Don and Harry, with that day's edition of the _Periodically Diurnal Psychic_.

'Look at this, guys.' she said. 'To wizarding dismay, The notorious criminal Seriously Black has escaped from the wizard prison Flazkhaman'

'Flazkaman?' said Harry

'No, Flazkhaman'

'How do you spell it?

'F-L-A-Z-K-H-Phlegm-A-M-A-N.'

'Whatever. Anyways, go on.'

'It says that the wizarding community has expresssed their annoyance by going into a state of panic. The Central Magical Agency assures that everything is under control as they have sent the Deflectors out to search for him.

'What are Deflectors?'

'They're the ones who guard Flazkhaman.' said Don. 'They're horrible'

'Oh.' said Harry. 'Howcome?'

'They replace all the happy thoughts in your mind with Lady Gaga songs.. And when you try to block those thoughts out, you get a whole bunch of unhappy thoughts.'

'Wait, there's more!' said Hermyown. 'It says that... yadda yadda... stationed at Hogfarts School!'

'Uh, oh.' said Don. That could mean trouble. Anyways, I'm going to bed.'

III: Encounter

'Yeah! Woo!'

The air was electric, as the houses Miphyndoor and Shnilavin faced off in a game of Kniddtch. Kniddtch is too complex of a sport for me to go into detail about it right now. Miphyndoor had sucessfully scored a Flaket with the Woofle, thus bringing the score to 30-30. Exitement was mounting, especially as there were only 5 Gallaghers left. A Miphyndoor player successfully intercepted the Woofle and passed it to his teammate who took a shot and... he scored a Flibber just as the time went to 0 Gallaghers. Everybody from Miphyndoor cheered, and the scoring teammate was lifted onto the shoulders of the rest.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the air grew chilly. Strange thoughts swirled through his head.

_'I've had a little bit too much / All of the people start to rush. / Start to rush by. / A dizzy twister dance / Can't find my drink or man. / Where are my keys, I lost my phone. / What's going on on the floor? / I love this record baby, but I can't see straight anymore. / Keep it cool what's the name of this club? / I can't remember but it's alright, alright...__'_

'No,' moaned Harry. 'song's too...catchy... '

_'Just dance. Gonna be okay. / Da-doo-doo-doo / Just dance. Spin that record babe. / Da-doo-doo-doo / Just dance. Gonna be okay / Duh-duh-duh-duh / Dance. Dance. Dance. Just dance...'_

'Aargh...no...' and everything went black.

When Harry came to, he saw Don, Hermyown, Don's sister Minnie, Dunderbore, and the new Defence Teacher, Giddy Locker, who was grinning like a maniac, standing around him.

'Hey, Harryboy!' gleefully exclaimed. 'How's it going?'

'Why's _he_ here?' mumbled Harry groggily.

'Oh, nothing,' said Locker, still smiling like he just went mad. Harry wanted to punch that smile off his face, but for some reason, his arm wouldn't move an inch.

Hermyown spoke up. 'You broke your arm falling off the broom. While you were unconscious, Professor Locker tried to fix it, but he... um... made a little mistake.'

'He vanished all the bones in your arm.' said Don. 'And your muscles... and your tendons...'

Harry glared at Locker. If looks could kill, Giddy would have been dead twice, cut up into a hundred and thirty pieces, burned, and had the ashes flushed down the toilet.

'...and your nerves...and your arteries... and your blood. Yeah. Oh, and the lower layer of skin.' finished Don.

'But there's no need to worry.' said Dunderbore. 'The matron will fix everything. However, it will cause you unbearable pain and suffering for the rest of your life.'

'I'll do it.' said Harry.

'Oh, sorry, what I meant was that it will only cause slight discomfort.'

'I'll do it.'

IV: Another Encounter

Once Harry's arm had completely healed, something happened that completely changed their lives. Harry and Don were in their dormatory when suddenly Don let out a scream.

'!1!'

'What is it, Don?' said Harry, fibrillating.

'It was Seriously Black!'

'What? Here?'

'Yeah!'

'No way.'

'Really!'

'No kidding?'

'No!'

'You're not pulling my leg?'

'No!'

'Seriously Black was here?'

'No!... wait... YES!'

'Well, somebody's gotta tell Dunderbore!'

Harry looked at Don for a second.

'Oh, okay. I'll do it.' said Harry.

Ascending the elevator to Dunderbore's office, Harry thought about the Deflectors. He didn't think that he could stand another Deflector attack.

DING!

The doors opened with an onomatopoetic _kafwoooshhhhnk_ that would make any dictionary curl up in a corner and cry itself to sleep. Sitting at his desk, in his infinitesmal goofiness for somebody his age, slightly crosseyed, his long white beard trailing to the floor, Dunderbore. He spoke with a voice that contained a hint of the magnitude of his extrordinary mind

'Well, hello, Hector.'

Okay, maybe not.

'Professor, my friend Don says he saw Seriously Black in our dormitory!'

'Oh dear.' said Dunderbore. 'I'll inform the staff right away.'

'How?' asked Harry.

'With a group of three asterisks, of course!'

'I have to admit, I am positively shaken by these turns of events.' said the unbearably annoying voice of Giddy Locker.

'Whatever.' said Professor Snafu

'Deflectors have been placed at every entrance.' said Professor McGoogley 'I don't know how he could have gotten in without "LoveGame" playing through his head.'

Harry simply sat there. He still had no idea how the teachers had gotten there so fast.

'Professor Dunderbore, what's the deal with Seriously Black?'

'Well, take a seat, and I'll tell you.'

'I'm already sitting.'

V: The Deal with Seriously Black

Several several years ago (thats several years added to another several years), Seriously Black, who was a friend of Harry's father at Hogfarts, attacked Peter Priceisright, who was also a friend of Harry's father. Peter accused Seriously of betraying Harry's parents, which actually is what happened and no other explanation is possible. So Seriously hit Peter with a curse and Peter was killed, and not sent to another dimension.

VI: The Real Deal with Seriously Black

'Such an untimely dea- I mean, sent to another dimentioning' concluded Dunderbore.

'Such an untimely story.' said Snafu.

'Well, Harley, you'd best head to bed.' said Dunderbore

'Sure, professor.'

Harry tiredly walked back to his dormitory. However, just as he was about to enter, there was a sound of breaking glass and the sound of Don screaming. Harry wrenched open the door just in time to see Don sail out the window in tow of a large black animal.

'!' SCREAMED DO- sorry, screamed Don.

'Hang on,' yelled Harry back, 'I'm coming!'

'Harry chased the incapacitated Don across the grounds, and ultimately to the Screaming Shed, where he found himself face to facial hair with none other than Seriously Black.

'Harry, there is so much I have to tell you. For one thing, I did not betray your parents.'

'Wow, I'm totally going to believe that.'

'Harry, you gotta listen to me!'

'No, no, I wasn't being sarcastic. I actually do believe you.'

'Oh, okay'

And with that, Harry and Seriously walked out of the Screaming Shed and were immediately set upon by a hundered and one Deflectors. The last thing that passed through Harry's head as he blacked out was a ridiculous outfit.

Harry awoke in the hospital wing to find Don and Hermyown looking flustered.

'We just saved Seriously!' exclaimed Don. 'we did this thing with this time reversing thing and it was awesome.'

'Wow. I feel left out, somehow.'

And they all laughed, while Professor Snafu had a tantrum.

THE END, I GUESS.

** Wow. and no mention of pies anywhere. Stay tuned faithful readers for the continuation of my greatest fanfic series! Edward Elric Gets a Job 2 is the next in line to be written!**


End file.
